Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Feline Wars Episode III - The Blast from Pasht

The world had changed. Lucy was now the supreme ruler of the third monolith from the yellow torch of gas in the western spiral (come to think of it, how does one describe west and east for a galaxy??) of the Milky Way, though mere mortals never spoke her name, instead referring to her only as ‘She’, or ‘Her’, or ‘The Nameless One’. All dissidents had to fight a duel with the evil Fart Raider, and challenging the evil Shitlord to a fight had now become a common way to commit suicide and still preserve one’s dignity. Lucy’s keeper of accounts, the imperturbable La-loot, had exploited this fact by starting the ‘Who among you is a millionaire’ scheme. Anyone wanting to commit suicide (at the hands, or rather the sword of Raider) had to bid for the honor. As the name of the scheme suggested, only millionaires could do this because the rest did not have enough money. And once a millionaire died, his wealth was distributed amongst the rest (La-Loot comprising 90% of the rest), so everyone was happy and there was no shortage of millionaires. In case of a tie for a bid, the winner would be the one who could conceal successfully a bale of fodder within his house. Life continued in this fashion, and everyone was happy, except for Fart Raider, who was grieved because the lovely Padma had left him and run off with a boxer and become his fifth wife.

After Raider had embraced evil (rather literally; he was photographed in compromising positions with Lucy herself by the ancient paparazzi – these were people who had given up civilization and retreated to a cave in modern France, and their photos were preserved for posterity using simple brush strokes on the walls of their cave), Padma ran away from their home, got a lift on the shoulders of this boxer who was passing that way on his way to Olympia, and finally married him. This boxer had twelve children, three from each of his previous marriages. The children from his first marriage were aged 26, 24 and 10; those from his second were 13, 12 and 5; the third installment had kids aged 10, 8 and 6, and the fourth 5, 4 and 3. This boxer’s name was Pythagoras, and he was the champion of the ancient world. However, after he heard of the previous marital status of Padma, he took her and went into hiding in a secret bunker under a barn. This bunker was protected as usual by a space-time warp, constructed this time by none other than Zeus himself as a special favor to Pythagoras for helping build his temple. Their only companion in this place was a housekeeper, a woman with green eyes and long nails, who looked after the twelve kids for them.

Now Pythagoras had once been hit below the belt in one of his fights, and though the judges had disqualified his opponent, the damage had been done. This was however after his twelve kids were born, but before he met Padma. The beautiful Padma had always craved for children of her own, and when she realized this was not possible in the current scenario, their relationship soured. Pythagoras went into depression, and spent the rest of his life doing complex mathematical problems shut up in his room. But little did Padma know that her wish would soon be fulfilled. For the housekeeper was none other than Pasht in hiding.

Using her divine powers, Pasht caused a son to be born to Padma. This young chap grew up and soon established himself as a true leader of men. His half-siblings never argued with him; in fact, they did whatever he told them to do. And he was benevolent, and just, and never did a quarrel occur in the bunker again. When he came of age, Pasht summoned Soda and Dhobi-loves-Gobi to train him, and he soon developed into the best sword fighter the world had ever seen. Then one fine day their hideout was discovered, when Pythagoras gave their complete address in his patent application form to the ancient theorem registration office. The secret revealed, Lucy and Fart Raider immediately swooped down to the bunker, and all present were taken captive. But Lucy was interested only in the young boy, because she sensed in him the power to destroy evil. The twelve others escaped by swearing they did not know the lad, and survived to later spread his teachings across the world. What happened to Pythagoras and Padma is not known, and their story does not come into these tales. Presumably they were killed in revenge by Raider himself.

Now Lucy was scared of the boy, so she made Raider fight him. The boy effortlessly killed Fart Raider (using an ingenious technique later adopted by many species, including the opossum and the pangolin – it involves feigning a wound and playing dead), and then decimated the demon forces with equal ease. He then turned his attention to Lucy. Lucy, now desperate, tried to seduce him by promising him power, wealth and immortality, but the boy was protected by the power of Pasht. Lucy then dared him to kill her, well aware that if she died, every living being who had ever sinned (which basically meant everyone) would die too. But the boy was unperturbed. Pasht gave him the knowledge that if Sin was destroyed, Lucy would be killed too. But to do this, someone would have to absorb all the sins of mankind, and then proceed to heaven (in this case, a global consortium of gods known as the United Mythologies), where he could then ask the Gods for help. The boy had himself nailed to the frame of a kite, and the kite was set loose. He reached heaven, and there he met the Gods, who agreed to come to Earth. Then came forth Vishnu with his discus and Thor with his hammer and Jupiter with the bolt of lightning, and all the others. Lucy was captured and hurled into the void outside the universe, into the grasp of Chaos.

Pasht had won the battle, but she knew there would be a long struggle ahead. Many of Lucy’s followers had survived, and mankind was ever susceptible to their attacks. They were now fought by the followers of the boy (known now as the Messiah), but the battle was even, and Pasht knew that no side would emerge victorious for many long years. Stability had to be achieved before the Mobai temples could be resurrected. Pasht sighed, and went back into hiding in another guise.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Feline Wars Episode II - Paradise Lost

In the nether world, Lucy the Queen was sitting on an armchair wrapped up in her cozy furs, watching the season-ending episode of ‘Fiends’ on NWBC (Nether World Broadcasting Corporation). As the credits began rolling, she arose and commenced pacing the ground thinking of methods to corrupt mankind. She wanted a disciple on the Earth, one who would obey her every wish, and who would wield enough power of his own to conquer the Earth. She wondered whether such a warrior existed.

The Mobai had vanished from the Earth, but Ra had ensured their survival by granting a new land; the Mobai called it Paradise. It was a huge island, with beautiful sandy shores, lush green meadows, and so on forth. In the center of the island, on the highest peak of the Blue Mountains, stood the Mobai temple. The island was the only place left on Earth (well, geographically, it was on Earth, but to reach there from any other place on the map, one had to pass through a temporal space warp devised by the Gods, which basically meant that one could get there without having their constituent atoms ripped apart in the process) which was not conquered by Chaos, who, akin to Agent Smith, worked only for her own sake and hated both the Gods and Lucy’s people.

In a small village on the island lived Sean Highflier. His father had been killed in the Shitlord attack, and he lived with his mother. His Mobai instructor at the photo-sword school considered him as the greatest Mobai ever to walk the Earth (technically, Paradise). He excelled at using the photo-sword, and his cerebral faculties were so advanced that not even the skilled Mobai, Soda, who had lived for a thousand years and was most famous for burping every ten minutes, could hold his gaze for more than a few minutes without suffering a headache. He it was whom the Mobai had chosen to be their future ruler (though he did not know it then). But Soda was worried about the kid, having sensed a deep fear of some unknown force in the child when he was sleeping.

Now, though the space warp prevented Earthlings from going to Paradise, the Mobai could come out and wander around the Earth whenever they wished, the only constraint being that they had to wear a pair of artificial wings on their backs and a ring of fireflies on their heads. The Earth people called them angels. It was during one such trip that Sean beheld the Indian princess Padma, and was so enraptured by her beauty that he wanted to marry her. But the Mobai would have none of it, as one who must be a future ruler must remain celibate. This made Sean very angry, and this anger was sensed by the ever watchful Lucy, who also detected the great power of Sean’s mind. She immediately took on the form of a serpent and started stalking the lad. She decided to test his powers, and so she sent an army of demons to attack the wandering Mobai. This army was led by the ruthless Jack the Stripper, who had not had a bath for a thousand years; when he stripped, the foul odors emanating from his exposed and hideous body killed everyone within the radius of a hundred meters.

The army ravaged and plundered all the lands in their path, until they came upon the Mobai. Then ensued the famous battle of Evermore, in which hundreds of demons were slaughtered by the Mobai. Then Jack the Stripper attacked the Mobai himself, and all who were unable to hold their breath long enough perished. But Sean was unperturbed; he simply took out his bottle of Paradise deodorant®, and sprayed it at Jack. The spray neutralized Jack’s odor, and now the two were face to face. In the fight that ensued (The faithful call it the battle of Genesis), Sean killed Jack, but he lost his right hand.

Lucy was sad, and Lucy was ecstatic; Lucy had found the warrior she wanted, and Lucy had lost the warrior she most prized. She attacked Sean’s mind with all her force, filling it with thoughts of power, and amplifying his love for Padma. Sean, who now had a metal right hand, fell into the trap. The serpent, sensing victory, showed him her true form, and promised him that if they worked together, he would be able to stay with Padma forever. A mask she gave him, and bade him lead her to Paradise. Using his power, they passed the warp and reached the island, where Lucy smote the land with her mace, causing it to sink into the sea. All perished, save for Soda, who had gone boating so he could burp in peace, and Dhobi-loves-Gobi, who had gone to the Mongolian desert to buy cauliflower.

Lucy had conquered the Earth, destroyed all her enemies, and she now had Highflier, whom she had renamed Fart Raider. Up in the heavens, Pasht, who had by now gained a reputation for being irritable and short-tempered, was shouting at Ra once again. Ra listened to her calmly, told her to be patient, but when all his efforts to placate her failed, he called her unprintable names and told her to get lost. Well, that’s what she finally ended up doing; she got lost. No one knew where she disappeared. Just as no one on Earth could explain the giant tsunami in the Atlantic Ocean which took so many lives on the coasts. They wrote tales about it all, and one famous Elizabethan era dude, who shares his name with a thermos flask brand, wrote a poem about it all, calling it ‘Paradise Lost’.