Feline Wars Episode II - Paradise Lost

In the nether world, Lucy the Queen was sitting on an armchair wrapped up in her cozy furs, watching the season-ending episode of ‘Fiends’ on NWBC (Nether World Broadcasting Corporation). As the credits began rolling, she arose and commenced pacing the ground thinking of methods to corrupt mankind. She wanted a disciple on the Earth, one who would obey her every wish, and who would wield enough power of his own to conquer the Earth. She wondered whether such a warrior existed.

The Mobai had vanished from the Earth, but Ra had ensured their survival by granting a new land; the Mobai called it Paradise. It was a huge island, with beautiful sandy shores, lush green meadows, and so on forth. In the center of the island, on the highest peak of the Blue Mountains, stood the Mobai temple. The island was the only place left on Earth (well, geographically, it was on Earth, but to reach there from any other place on the map, one had to pass through a temporal space warp devised by the Gods, which basically meant that one could get there without having their constituent atoms ripped apart in the process) which was not conquered by Chaos, who, akin to Agent Smith, worked only for her own sake and hated both the Gods and Lucy’s people.

In a small village on the island lived Sean Highflier. His father had been killed in the Shitlord attack, and he lived with his mother. His Mobai instructor at the photo-sword school considered him as the greatest Mobai ever to walk the Earth (technically, Paradise). He excelled at using the photo-sword, and his cerebral faculties were so advanced that not even the skilled Mobai, Soda, who had lived for a thousand years and was most famous for burping every ten minutes, could hold his gaze for more than a few minutes without suffering a headache. He it was whom the Mobai had chosen to be their future ruler (though he did not know it then). But Soda was worried about the kid, having sensed a deep fear of some unknown force in the child when he was sleeping.

Now, though the space warp prevented Earthlings from going to Paradise, the Mobai could come out and wander around the Earth whenever they wished, the only constraint being that they had to wear a pair of artificial wings on their backs and a ring of fireflies on their heads. The Earth people called them angels. It was during one such trip that Sean beheld the Indian princess Padma, and was so enraptured by her beauty that he wanted to marry her. But the Mobai would have none of it, as one who must be a future ruler must remain celibate. This made Sean very angry, and this anger was sensed by the ever watchful Lucy, who also detected the great power of Sean’s mind. She immediately took on the form of a serpent and started stalking the lad. She decided to test his powers, and so she sent an army of demons to attack the wandering Mobai. This army was led by the ruthless Jack the Stripper, who had not had a bath for a thousand years; when he stripped, the foul odors emanating from his exposed and hideous body killed everyone within the radius of a hundred meters.

The army ravaged and plundered all the lands in their path, until they came upon the Mobai. Then ensued the famous battle of Evermore, in which hundreds of demons were slaughtered by the Mobai. Then Jack the Stripper attacked the Mobai himself, and all who were unable to hold their breath long enough perished. But Sean was unperturbed; he simply took out his bottle of Paradise deodorant®, and sprayed it at Jack. The spray neutralized Jack’s odor, and now the two were face to face. In the fight that ensued (The faithful call it the battle of Genesis), Sean killed Jack, but he lost his right hand.

Lucy was sad, and Lucy was ecstatic; Lucy had found the warrior she wanted, and Lucy had lost the warrior she most prized. She attacked Sean’s mind with all her force, filling it with thoughts of power, and amplifying his love for Padma. Sean, who now had a metal right hand, fell into the trap. The serpent, sensing victory, showed him her true form, and promised him that if they worked together, he would be able to stay with Padma forever. A mask she gave him, and bade him lead her to Paradise. Using his power, they passed the warp and reached the island, where Lucy smote the land with her mace, causing it to sink into the sea. All perished, save for Soda, who had gone boating so he could burp in peace, and Dhobi-loves-Gobi, who had gone to the Mongolian desert to buy cauliflower.

Lucy had conquered the Earth, destroyed all her enemies, and she now had Highflier, whom she had renamed Fart Raider. Up in the heavens, Pasht, who had by now gained a reputation for being irritable and short-tempered, was shouting at Ra once again. Ra listened to her calmly, told her to be patient, but when all his efforts to placate her failed, he called her unprintable names and told her to get lost. Well, that’s what she finally ended up doing; she got lost. No one knew where she disappeared. Just as no one on Earth could explain the giant tsunami in the Atlantic Ocean which took so many lives on the coasts. They wrote tales about it all, and one famous Elizabethan era dude, who shares his name with a thermos flask brand, wrote a poem about it all, calling it ‘Paradise Lost’.