Wednesday, June 24, 2009

A boring story inspired by boredom and well, the rain...

The young man paused. He had made his way halfway up the steep slopes of the great mountain that overlooked his village. It had taken him the better half of the day, and he was now doubting his ability to go all the way to the top. But he knew that no one else could do it, and he had to reach the top at any cost. His life depended on it. The whole village's life depended on it. He was the strongest man of his village, and had been chosen to undertake this seemingly superman task of reaching the top of the great mountain. He had to get there. He had to. He had to.

It was a bad year for the village. The rains had kept away that year, and there had been not even a hint of a cloud. The villagers had always lived in the shadow of the mountain, and the rolling hills surrounded them in all other directions. They were hemmed in from all directions, and lived off the land, while some of the more adventurous ones would venture into the jungles on the lower slopes of the rolling hills to hunt game. The jungles were taboo, for they were filled with ferocious beasts. And so, the villagers had lived separated from the outside world for as long as the oldest grandmother among them could remember. The rain gods had always smiled upon them, and the harvests had been good. But this year was bad. Real bad. Real real bad.

So as the food reserves dropped, and the water reservoirs dried out, they went to the oldest grandmother in the village, who told them of the tale which had been told her by her grandmother, and to her by her grandmother, and so on and so forth. And she said, "This tale I was told by my grandmother, that if ever the rain stopped, and hunger and death stared us in the face, the answer to our problems would be found at the top of the great mountain. There lives an old man who can make it rain."

The great mountain was revered by all the villagers for the shadow of its benevolent presence. It was sacred, and no one was to scale its slopes. But now someone had to. And after much debate and a lot of discussions, the strongest man was chosen to climb the mountain and find the answer.

So our champion climbed and climbed until finally he ran out of mountain, and he got up onto the peak and fell there in exhaustion. His lips parched and blackened from lack of water, his skin cracked from the fury of the noonday sun, he crawled slowly forward, and saw the mouth of a cave. He walked in. "Hey dude!! Want some booze?" a voice said.

The old man looked up from his glass and grinned. "Man, I'm glad for some company. It sure is boring up here, all alone by myself. Thank heavens for Amazon. I can at least drink as much as I want. Awesome delivery system they have."

"The tribe of mythical women? All us men dream of them."

"No, you doofus. The website."

"Oh, what's that?"

"Never you mind. It serves all my needs is all you need to know."

"Ok, ok. Let's get to business. Old man, make it rain."

"Rain, eh? But you haven't spoken the magic word."

"Magic word? But isn't that your job?"

"My job? What's my job?"

"To make it rain."

"Rain? Me make it rain? What do you think I am?"

"The old man of the mountain. You can make it rain. The oldest grandmother said so."

"Ohh. I'm sorry. It's been so long. I can't do it."

"What? But you must. We will all die otherwise."

"You won't. Stay here with me. Let's party. Screw the rest."

"I can't do that. They depend on me. You must do it."

"Sorry, bud. I can't. And I don't like your attitude, so I wouldn't even if I could."

"Aah so you can?"

"I never said that."

"Yes, you did. You said you could."

"Doofus!! I said 'if I could.'"

"Whatever! Do it."


"I'll kill you if you don't."

"Go ahead. Who will save your village then?"

"So you say that if you live you can?"

"Don't bug me, kid. Go back and die. I can't."

"Too bad then. I'll just kill you and take all this liquid lying around back to the village."

"It's beer you fool. And how will you take it back anyway?"

"I didn't think of that."

"Of course you didn't, you twat. Well, here's what I can do. Let's order a pipeline and a water connection, and I'll channel it through my cave out to your side of the mountain. We can create a waterfall and you will have your water too."


So that's what they did, and the village had water. The champion went back home. The old man leaned back in his chair, and sighed. He had a beer, and then decided to bathe. He entered the bathroom, and snapped his fingers. A cloud appeared over his head, giving him water to bathe in.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

A day in the life of Don I. Parr

Don was high. He felt high. He didn't remember what he did the previous night, which he supposed was what being high meant. He felt light, like a big ball of cotton floating around a room with four table fans running. Now don't ask me why four table fans, I would have prefered forty-two, it being the ultimate answer and all, but then I doubt a room will have so many plug points. Again, after the recent genocide of the ceiling fans by the table fans and the subsequent civil war demanding more rights, table fans were entitled to their own plots of land, which meant that each table fan had its own table, and again, fitting forty-two tables in a tiny room, well, never mind... I digress. So Don was high, and he felt like a ball of cotton floating around a room with four table fans running. Now this does not mean that Don was in a room. Let's just say for now that Don was high. But to satisfy human curiosities, we must go back to when Don was born.

The Parrs were a big family, and they lived in a huge community of their kind (clearly, they were not yet influenced by the table fans). The community members had a very strong bond among themselves, and it was really tough to leave the place (not that anyone wanted to, they loved being there among their own kind). Now Don was your typical problem child, throwing tantrums, not obeying elders, and always wanting to go to the outer rim of the colony, which of course children were not supposed to. Now there was a reason for this too. The colony worshipped Sol, and Sol demanded sacrifices, so every day oh so many members shrieked screamed yelled bawled as Sol claimed them, and naturally children were not to be sacrificed, ergo they were not to go near the outer rim, which as you folks must have figured out by now was where Sol went on a rampage every day.

So Don (being the naughty brat that he is) runs away to the outer rim, and promptly feels the heat of the situation (quite literally in fact). And Sol absorbed his soul like everyone else's, and his soul rose up and up and up (Aah, now that's why he felt all high) and in the world of the Uphigh, all the souls got together again (their bonding so strong). And some of these colonies swept across the world of the Uphigh, feeling like big balls of cotton (community consciousness, yeah) and some grew big. Some grew so big that they angered the gods who then broke them and sent them back to ground zero.

And to ensure this tale goes again, Don was in one of these big big big colonies, and was struck down and came flying down, acquiring a body on the way. His own older body, or a new one? Don't ask me, its all an illusion anyway. So down they all came, and their movement was like a great big cosmic dance, finally made scientific technical cool awesome-looking famous by a pair of brothers who showed a certain someone the path but made him walk it himself, all while he was dreaming and thinking it was real.

And Don is now high again, but this time in his body form, and he is enjoying it, because he is at the top of a big giant rollercoaster slide, and something tells him that at the end of all this fun, he shall see his family again. But the slide story is a tale for another day.