The Lord of the Rings - The Evil One

Those of you who are reading this, don’t hope for an ending similar to the original. The real world (and Hemo’s world is very real indeed) is a bad place, and bad things happen in it. Which means that evil will not necessarily be defeated, and can conquer all and rule the World as a terrible monarch (something akin to the empire imagined by the creator of a logo which looked like a windmill with flared ends and which looked similar to a religious symbol of the east, albeit having undergone an angular transformation of forty-five degrees). If you are expecting the Evil One to be defeated, don’t be too hopeful. You have been warned!!

Where were we now? Ah yes… Hemo is lost in the ventilation factories. Plato is trying to find him. The story continues…

Plato wrapped the jacket Hemo had given him tightly around himself, and took another step up the steep precipice leading up to the entrance of the ventilation factories. These factories, a byproduct of human ingenuity, enabled the entire population of the land to breathe pure air. And they also served as an awesome training ground for astronauts, for the natural air currents kept one afloat for as long as one wanted. All you had to do to come back to the surface was activate the Gravi-kit fitted to your safety belt, provided by ACME (Acme’s the Certified Master of Everything). Now this ACME corporation was founded pretty long ago to cater to cartoon characters in need, and it delivered the goods instantly. It also spawned a rival company, LACME (Like ACME), which later branched off into a specific type of products. But to get back to Plato, well, he opened his ACME catalog (obtained by putting his hand behind his back) and selected the Gravi-kit. And lo, the kit appeared in his hand. He put it on, and walked peacefully through the factories, searching for Hemo. And where was Hemo all this while? He was floating around the factories, almost unconscious, incapable of any physical movement, his body broken after the torture the wraiths had inflicted on it. It was in this state that Plato espied him, and switching off his kit, tried to catch him. This was by no means an easy task, for the air blasts in the ventilation factories constituted both the most random processes anywhere in the land, and the toughest thesis topic in chaos theory at the university. But after drifting aimlessly for quite some time, Plato finally caught Hemo, and they exited the factories without any further mishap.

Plato now used his powers of healing to revive Hemo, and they then discussed their future plans. The Ring was missing, and their mission was a failure. In desperation, they decided to have a bite to eat, and Hemo told Plato to get out the bar of chocolate he had inside his jacket pocket. Plato fished in the pocket, and retrieved a shapeless blob of brown matter, which they realized was chocolate melted from the heat while they were traveling. Hemo bit into it, and swallowed a whole chuck of it (an action which would have earned him two hours in the corner if he was Dennis the Menace). The next minute, he choked and spat the whole thing out (five hours in the corner), and lo and behold!! The ring was there!! Thrilled with this discovery, and completely revived by Plato thumping his back to cure his coughing spree, Hemo now recommenced his mission (followed by Plato munching on the blob).

The duo made steady progress along the Dico Tar highway, which led straight to the headquarters of the White Council, their destination. And filled with joy at the sight of the topmost spire of the White city of the Council, they broke into a run. But the Dark Lord was not going to give up so easily. Sensing danger, he came now himself into the path of the two heroes, challenging them to a duel.

Hideous he had become, this creature spawned from the infamous sucking tubes of the winged hordes. A foul stench emanated from his body, and his eyes blazed with a bright red glow.

Lord: Scum!! You are doomed now.

Hemo: Why, you planning to lift up your armpit and kill me?

Lord: Fool, learn to respect power. I am the greatest.

Hemo: Greatest stinker, eh?

Lord: (getting irritated) So sure of yourself, eh? We’ll soon see… Come on now, let’s fight.

Hemo: Not a chance. I need nose filters first.

Lord: You @*%#. I’ll show you…

And he advanced menacingly on Hemo. But he was stopped by Plato, who started shooting jelly at him (nothing serious, especially not for the Lord, but jelly in the ears itches like mad). The Dark Lord was now furious, and he summoned all his forces to slay our heroes. Plato now opened his ACME catalog, and selected a mystery product (kept secret to maintain the suspense).

The next moment, the army of the White Council poured out of the gates of the city and devoured all they saw. They showed no mercy, and slaughtered their enemies in no time. Hemo and Plato took cover (under dead bodies), and were saved from the carnage. The Dark Lord was vanquished by the white clad soldiers, for they were armed with the unique brand of acid designed to harm the Dark Lord.

All was over. The land had been saved (well, I didn’t say evil would win, now did I??). As they climbed out of the pile of bodies, Hemo noticed that Plato’s finger still pointed to the mystery item in the catalog. It said, “Instant Quinine dose. Finish off malaria, dengue et al in seconds.”