Feline Wars Episode IV - The Dark Ages

“Let the race begin,” roared Ra, and then immediately choked and started coughing as the tiny morsel of oriental fowl entered his mouth. He recovered his poise, and scowled at the naughty little ape-boy from the East, who had hurled a ‘Drum of Heaven’ with pinpoint accuracy at his mouth, which had remained open for just five seconds. The kid shrugged, gave that sweet smile which is used by all naughty children to appease angry adults, and turned his attention to annoying Horus by plucking his feathers. Ra smiled to himself, and thought back to the time when the kid had tried to eat him thinking he was an apple. This was definitely much better. He reclined back in the plush couch in the executive stand of the famous ‘United Mythologies’ stadium, built for the sole purpose of hosting the quadrennial Mytholympic Games, where the Gods from different pantheons competed and judged who among them was the best. He had just flagged off the race for the fastest messenger, and the competitors were Naarad from India, Mercury from Italy, and Hermes from Greece. Most of the crowd was cheering for Naarad, and this was not surprising, considering the fact that 99.9% of the Gods, amounting to nearly 33 crores, were from India.

The race was an even contest, and at the halfway mark, the three contestants were neck to neck. Punters had started gnawing their nails and pulling their hair out. Suddenly there was a flash of light, and the great advertising billboard lit up with a picture of a green blob standing next to a spaceship. “O great gods of the Earth,” said the blob (though from where the voice emanated is hard to tell; you see, the blob was, as has already stated, just a blob and had no orifices to speak of). “O mighty immortals, hearken now. Let me introduce myself. My name is Blobbert, and I represent the mighty commercial conglomerate of the Lion. ‘The whole city knows me as the Lion,’ is how he describes himself. Though you may be unaware of the fact (and pardon me if I invaded your privacy), we are a covert group who monitor your governance of this planet. We are pleased with your efforts, and are proud to announce that all you great Gods have won an all-expenses paid trip around the Universe. You journey shall commence in a short while. Any questions?” The Gods had grown decadent over the past many years, and readily agreed (of course, who can refuse to accept a free trip?). So the stadium was sucked into a space warp (oh no, not another one… warps are getting passé) and the Gods began their trip.

“Well, that’s one obstacle out of the day,” said the Lion, as he sipped his wine. The cloaked figure facing him was the chief of Lucy’s followers. With the Gods now safely out of the way, his path to taking over the world was clear. He did not need the Lion any longer, and he definitely did not want him to go back home and talk about it using a revolving sign. He took out his staff, pointed it at the Lion, and said, almost with a smile, “I will destroy as I speak”. (Now this is a very powerful curse, which was earlier fairly common but was later deemed unforgivable by a single mother who became a millionaire.) The next instant the Lion was slumped over in his chair, clearly dead. Let Operation Takeover begin, the Chief said to his lieutenants.

The Messiah’s followers had spent the first many years spreading goodwill and love, but they had remained pure no more. Lucy’s followers had infiltrated their ranks, and even their most cherished and hallowed center (located in a peninsula later conquered by a bald dictator) was contaminated (literally, because Lucy’s followers had vowed never to bathe as a tribute to Jack the Stripper, though they used liberal amounts of deodorant). The good men were fighting a losing battle. Now, with the Gods gone, Lucy’ followers launched a major offensive, crippling the establishment. A feudal system was formed, creating inequality, and the men at the top of the system were chosen for their corruption and decadence. Faith and forgiveness were available now only for a fee, and those who could not afford it were burnt. Women in particular, especially sweeper women who used broomsticks a lot, were given preferential treatment in this regard (which gave rise to the popular saying ‘Ladies first’). The sky was blackened (here you see how pollution first started). And this continued for many years.

Pasht was all this while wandering across the World, drawn towards rationality and common sense wherever she saw it. She it was who sparked the seeds of science in the brains of daring men who were capable of overcoming popular dogmas, and she it was who inspired the common populace to use their heads. But the system was too strong for her, and she knew she would lose the war very soon. Her chosen ones were very often branded non-believers and made to revert back to old ideologies. She knew she had to get a signal to the Gods so they could come back and help her.

The immortals were at that moment relaxing on the famous planet B.E.A.C.H. ® (Bask in Energy Arising from Combining Hydrogen – a geeky name but catchy nonetheless), the original sunbathing destination created just after the Big Bang (though sunbathing started only many millions of years later after adequate cooling of the land). They were now seven hundred Earth years into the trip, and were still having fun. They would have probably continued traveling for ever (as was the Chief’s intention), but suddenly one of them (a hyperactive goddess from some arbitrary pantheon) screamed, “Pasht slept with a mortal last night.”

Of course, Pasht had played her last card. Knowing fully well that nothing travels faster than gossip (especially gossip of a vulgar kind), Pasht had merely disguised herself and spread the news. Mere moments later, there was mass hysteria on B.E.A.C.H. ®, and all the Gods resolved to get back and punish the miscreant. And get back they did, and Ra ripped apart the darkness with ease, and finding Pasht missing (what else did they expect?); they vented their anger on the evil they sensed. And the Earth was cleansed (well, almost). And the immortals dealing with the faculties of knowledge and wisdom spread their gift, and the Earth awoke to a new age of reason.

And what happened to Pasht? Well, she now went back to trying to get the Mobai temples up again. In her euphoria, for Lucy’s followers were effectively destroyed (though not eliminated); Pasht had missed the birth of a boy in a kingdom obsessed with fermented barley. The boy was born with a strange mark on his arm, something which looked like a set of windmill blades with flared ends. The boy would end up derailing her plans for the future.